Not quite certain but I can comprise with myself.

Undo last post. I can't be too truthful but I am weak. We can take this at face value. It shouldn't affect anything. I won't let it. Hopefully I can accept it for what it is. Although, no matter the person, I think my occupational dissatisfaction prevents me from being happy with anyone or anything. Waking up stressed fearing the day, going to bed stressed fearing next.

Currently in the Empire State building... at the ground floor Starbucks. Long would be proud. No he wouldn't be. I am continuing to work on the real estate program. I have actually done it every single day since I've gotten it, which is nice. I was very sick yesterday and managed to make it to work, and I had a terrible time. I woke up today feeling better, but didn't want to fuck myself over and feel horrible, so I called it in. Unprofessional, but not like I give too much of a shit considering half my day there is spent applying to other things. If it weren't for the flight benefits... to truly take advantage, I'll have to wait until the end of the summer to leave. A year of that isn't even bad! Plus multiple huge trips! I'd be more sad about taking them away from my family or my brother.

This is supposed to not be a journal. I do use these notes to justify things.

2.3.26

There was a nagging and persistent thought that was going through my psyche for the months leading up to today, in which I was torturing myself daily, believing that who I was spending my days with (my LIFE, all parts) was the correct choice and that I could continue my other endeavors without that person being a pitfall. Intentionally leaving this vague… It is detrimental.

I am a euphoric mess. I am drained and I think that all my doors are open. I feel no guilt, I feel no shame, I certainly don’t regret it this time. Over and over I have justified her unwillingness and completely normalized the blinders on my senses because I am scared. There is a life that I have to live and it does not happen when one is in that situation. It is over! Even if it did involve something that I will only later realize how horrible it was. Being hurt is okay. I shouldn’t discredit the people who want to be in touch with themselves more, and stop thinking it's some hippie bull. Again, I am afraid to face myself here.

I am so incredibly lucky–all my choices are my own!

2.2.26

They've put me in the control room today, and the responsibility is limited. I watch over a couple of our zones and catch any jams that come up. It’s mind numbing, but the best location to be in my position. I work for maybe 30 minutes, and then have practically unlimited personal time. I need to spend it better, but there are days throughout my work week where I’m good to myself and read or work on projects. I sit here applying to other gigs constantly too.

Last night was the first night of acting class. It was very amazing, and it’s already reminded me of why I moved to New York. So many people from all over coming together and being vulnerable, echoing the same motive to come to the class when it’s cold as fuck out: to reconnect with a piece of themselves left behind after they “grew up”. Despite it’s childhood basis, it seemed very professional… I then remembered that each person paid $550 (in this economy!?) to be here, but with the 10 weeks of classes, I already feel like I’ve got my moneys worth.

Maybe the issues I face personally are not isolated within my own life. Maybe I feel this way because of my situation, not despite it. Putting myself into a room with people who were very different, people who wouldn’t notice me (nor I, them, to be fair) on the street pouring out emotion to strangers from all over, yet all here, freed me from the typicalness. My nights now don’t have to suck now that I have something to look forward to.